Folly of Ghost Men
by Margot-Eve
Summary: Purest of Cracks. It's this time of the month and Dan is send with special mission to grocery store.


**Val**

Valerie was soaking in a hot bath. The water working magic on all of her muscle kinks and knots. Especially in the stomach area. Ugh she hated this time of month. Suddenly her cellphone rang. She reached for the device, resting on a cupboard next to the tub and checked the caller ID. Dan. Furrowing her brows she picked up turning a discreet recording app on.

"Yes?"

"Val," the distress in his voice had her at first alarmed but his next words made her almost snort in laughter. "Val I don't think I can do this."

She bit her lips and swallowed. Keep it cool Val, keep it cool.

"What?"

"There's so many of them." he sounded so lost she mentally "awwed" at the huge man-child.

"Tampons?" she asked, totally enjoying his distress. Who knew ghost-boyfriends were equally squeaked by feminine hygiene products as their living counterparts.

"Yes…"

"I know."

"So _many."_

"Just grab a small package."

"So many of them…"

She had to put the phone away from her face or she'd lose it. Taking few deep breaths in, she cleared her throat and put the cellphone back next to her ear.

"Val? Are you there? Val?" He really was panicking.

"Yes, I'm here. Listen I want you to grab a white box with cherries on it." she heard him search the shelf.

"Nothing like that here, what do I do?"

She had mercy on him and told him which type she needed and there was a sigh of relief as he found what she needed.

"Talk to you when you get here, bye." she heard him grunt something back and they disconnected. Then she started laughing.

 **Dan**

When you're a ghost you don't think much about human body functions. Oh he knew humans had to eat, sleep and do other things connected to those but he quite forgotten that females had one more extra function.

They leaked.

Well he did noticed before that there were those days where Valerie was more snappy and prone to murder him just because, but it was when they were still enemies and he didn't think much of the origin of it. Too busy bringing mayhem into human world.

He did still think her violent streak was hot but being in close proximity of it could prove dangerous to his body parts. Important body parts.

So when he saw her wake up with this pained expression he kind of panicked a little bit. There were no fights the night before. No ghost trying to wreck Amity Park. So why…?

"I'm fine, it's just my period." she almost growled at him, doubled over holding her stomach.

The word period rang a bell. Then he remembered Jazz and mom during those. He and Jack would always try to not get in their way unless both women were medicated and happy.

So he stepped back letting her do her thing. Annoying a woman who knew how to handle fire weapons was never safe.

But then…

"Dan?" came her voice from the bathroom.

"Yeah?" he called back from the other side of the doors.

"Can you, ugh… go to the grocery store and fetch me something?" she felt a bit uncomfortable asking him that.

Dan switched his aspect into his human one. "Sure, what is it?" he expected to hear chocolate or any other thing but not-

"A pack of tampons."

That made him pause but then he just shrugged. "Sure."

"Money are in my purse." she told him and he heard her start a bath.

The grocery store was just across the street, so he figured it would be a quick trip. Whistling to himself Dan skipped down the house stairs and leisurely made his way to the store.

There he realised how grave of mistake he made. There were just… so many of them! How do they even know which one to pick. Why did they even needed so many brands for those? Wait what is it? Mini, normal, super and ultra?! The fuck was that?! How was he supposed to know… he should have asked Val. Oh god. Stifling a groan he stared at the horror which were tampons. For a moment he thought about just getting one pack of each sort and evacuate from there. He could hear women giggle behind his back as he stood there lost.

Finally he manned up and called Valerie. He was 100% sure she was laughing at him but he'd get back at her for it later. Victory at last he picked three packs just in case and made his way to the cash register he heard a snort. His head whipped there, eyes red and narrowed. Uh huh.

"Dude that's so sad." there were two of them. Stick and Pudgy, as he dubbed them.

"What is?"

Couple people around him took a cautious step back bearing his tone of voice.

"Dude, girl had you whipped," Stick snickered and Dan's anger level spiked up causing the black human hair become more flowy like on his ghost form.

But instead of smashing their heads over pavement be showed tremendous amount of self control.

"Oh you mean these?" he raised one of the tampon boxes and shook it, making the content rattle. "Well yes, they are for a very special woman. The woman that is the sole reason your brains are not decorating some wall for all I care. This," he looked at the tampon package," you incompetent worms, means that _I_ unlike you two losers enjoy her company in the way you can only enjoy porn video. This means we share mutual trust, respect, and are confident in each other. Which is more than you two will ever have. You say I am whipped, but which one of us have a flesh and bone girlfriend and which one has a silicone blow up doll? Think about it while you enjoy your sausage fiesta."

He finished and stomped toward the register where a starry eyed female clerk scanned his purchase and handed him change after he paid.

Dan left the shop and returned home. Val was still in the bathroom He knocked at the door.

"I am back and I've got the stuff." he announced.

"Great, come in." she called back and he took the invitation.

She was still in the tub, the foam still thick enough to cover strategic parts. "You can put them in there." she gestured over the cabinet.

He set the boxes down and turn to her arms crossed.

"Praise me I have not murdered anyone today."

"What?" she gave him confused look but seeing how tense he was she gestured him to come closer. "You have to get more to my level mountain man."

He bent down over the tub and she reached her hand to his head patting him. "Good boooy," she chuckled and laughed seeing his unamused expression.

Having mercy on him she wrapped her soapy wet arms around him. The kiss was teasing right at the corner of his mouth instead on full on one but she already felt him relax. "Better?"

"Much better."

"Good."

* * *

A/N: This insanity is solely inspired by Phantomtype's on tumblr art in their Dark Gray tag. I honestly suggest you look it up. Also if you don't know Ten Inch Hero - the second, Dan part, is inspired also by a scene from that movie.

Please don't take this story seriously. Hope you enjoy.


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